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Looks like the rainapos;s pouring down on me
Itapos;s drowning me now
And all I want is to come back home
And this old corduroy coat is not keeping me dry
But I canapos;t think of what else to try
Thatapos;s why the best thing I can give to you
Is for me to go
Leave you alone
You got growing up to do

Sometimes he wondered if he should go. Not out of a lack of feeling, not by a long shot, but...was he helping? Did anything he say, do, feel, get through? Was he banging on glass, desperate, still caged in a world where nothing made sense to the boy on the other side? Sometimes he thought heapos;d managed, and then the same arguments came flying back at him, the words even the same, nothing changing or showing that he had grasped Adamapos;s point at all.

It was a sideways way of thinking. Adam knew that, understood it, but it came from age, from experience, and watching the boy rip himself to pieces with guilt and angst hurt when if he would just listen. But it was ever the province of the young to think they knew better than those who have come before, especially when they disagree with them. Adamapos;s frustration didnapos;t help, he knew. And he knew that it was something that time would alter. Oh, the boy might not ever become him, but eventually he would grow up or he would be destroyed.

Adam was hoping very hard for the former rather than the latter, but to get him there, Adam had to wonder -- was he standing in the way? Was his experience, his point of view, clouding the boyapos;s judgment and ability to grow? Was he pushing too hard, saying too much, destroying their chance at having anything by his own need to save him from himself? If he went away for a year, two, a decade, two, a century...would it change? Would he change until they found themselves more in line with one another, truly partners instead of this twisted mentorship where the mentee had no desire to learn?

Adam didnapos;t know. But the thought plagued him sometimes.

Maybe he should go. Not forever, but for a while. Come back later, when the boy had grown up. It might be best for everyone, that way. Put distance between other things as well. But every time he tried to leave, his feet wouldnapos;t move, and Adam found himself waiting, suspended, holding his breath and hoping more than he thought he had left to hope that it would be enough.

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blizzhackerz

I went to mcdonalds today. I ate inside. I had my keys on my tray. I accidently threw my keys away in the trash. I had forgotten that they were on my tray. I had to pick threw the trash at mcdonalds to find them. I had to take the can out of the trash booth. Luckily there wasnt much gross trash, just wrappers, some fries, and a cup of ketchup. They were close to the top of the can luckily. It was gross. But so funny.
the end

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Wahoo Rohan and I will be in Boston from November 18th-29th for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Glenn arrives on the 21st and departs with us on the 29th back to good olapos; San Diego.

This is a momentous occasion because we werenapos;t sure if we could afford it this time. Since asking ma and pa for money is something Glenn and I donapos;t do, weapos;re giving ourselves a nice pat on the back for working this one into the budget.

Go, us.

Life is fother mucking good ladies and gents. Fother. Mucking. Good.

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I have written on here in a long time and i think thats why everythings just gone wrong. Everyday is the same one side of me is saying eat its fine and the other wont let me and is telling me iapos;m fat ugly and donapos;t need it.

I canapos;t win and right now iapos;m as fat as ever so it annoys me when my mum comments saying things like "oh is this just another excuse not to eat" which is what she said at dinner because we argued and i cant eat when i feel like im about to cry, even to try to show her im eating. (ihave to have dinner, so i fast in the day)

Anyways less than a month until my mum goes away and iapos;ll be living alone for 3 weeks, and i cannot wait because i can do whatever i want, empty the house so there is no food for when binges come along and that way i can loose as much as possible and pray that i will soon reach my first goal weight, i wont be happy until i get there, i need it.

Iapos;m fed up of being the fat one, the one whos legs wobble, the one whos concious that everyones whispering how fat she is, the one who envys the beautiful thin ones. I�want to be the thin one, the beautiful, strong, fragile, delicate one. I want to be in control, iapos;ll make it, i wonapos;t be the pig i have been.

5apos;6...
GW1 : 110 lbs
GW2: 100 lbs

I know iapos;ll get here someday


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Would you like me to graph you?
Because I can.
Let me make you a graphical representation
Of your life.

Your graph looks like the Bell Curve, dearest.
Does that ring a bell with you, love?
Because your eyes say no with vehemence,
But your curves beg to differ, honey.

Speaking of your curves, theyapos;re so imperfect.
Youapos;re not quite as plastic as you wish, darling,
If you were I couldnapos;t drive those curves
And they couldnapos;t drive me quite so crazy.

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constatations

Today, Piper and I are going to get our flu shots at the local Target Pharmacy. As a very frequent traveler, the world is better off if I get a flu shot. As for Piper, I guess it is a good idea in general.

Iapos;ve been keeping up with the political and economic fronts as best I can. Thereapos;s a slim chance that Obama can win Georgia, West Virginia, North Dakota, and Montana. That would be nice, but not nearly as important as the less likely possibility of having 40 or fewer Republican Senators, so as to prevent filibusters. Bush says itapos;s good heapos;s in charge to work out this economic mess.

Last night, I foolishly stayed up to see the opening bit of SNL. What a disappointment to see it was a rerun. I went to sleep before the end of the baseball game. As it turns out, I got to see all of the home runs, and would have been disappointed in the eleventh inning.

Breakfast this morning was again colored by the presence of teenaged hockey players and their families. One issue was that the TV in the dining room had been turned to a channel that was showing "paid programming" for Swiffer, and some kid had stolen the batteries from the remote.

BTW, the weather yesterday was fantastic All the kids in town were invited to a big halloween party from 2 to 7PM, and the kids had a great time. Josiah last night went on his first sleep-over with his friend Brian. It will be interesting to see how that went. Piper stayed up watching TV last night, because she didnapos;t have Josiahapos;s bed-time as a blocker. I think she was watching a Man v. Wild marathon.

Can I write a novel this November? Previous efforts say no, but Iapos;m going to try again. Hopefully I can get a little time this month outlining, and doing initial research.

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I have not updated for a long time because Iapos;ve been so busy with sorority work, school, and love.

Love? I found it in Ricky Maw.
I have to say that when I first said that I loved him, I wasnapos;t too sure. I did only say it because he said it.
As time started to pass though, I think�I really fell in love with him.
Iapos;ve always had commitment issues in the past, but with him, itapos;s so different.
I get so touched by his actions. He is super sweet, and he does so much for me.
He started going vegetarian for me, and he takes care of me so well.

If I lost him somehow, I think Iapos;m going to be super depressed about it.
I really donapos;t know how I would get over it.
When it was with Ray, I cried for about two or 3 days, and then was just a bit sad overall for a while.
I was actually surprised with myself because I wasnapos;t as upset as I thought Iapos;d be.
I knew the relationship was not going well because I literally let him walk out of my life.
I believe that he did love me to some extent, because he wanted to do what was best for me, and he knew we had different paths we wanted to lead. He loved me enough to let me go and wherever I was suppose to go, and if we are really meant to be together, weapos;ll get back together somehow.

I do not see that happening though.
I let him leave me. If I wanted him to stay, if I wanted to get back together, I think weapos;d still be together right now,
but as time has gone by, I realized he doesnapos;t want me back. He found a new girlfriend quite quickly, and I asked him in an email like two summers ago if he ever considered getting back together and he said no.

I have Ricky now, and I know for a fact that I never wanna go back.
I think Iapos;d be more devastated if I lost him. He means so much to me, and I really just wouldnt not know what Iapos;d do without him in my life.
Itapos;s a weird feeling, and I just know that I love him so much.

And thats all I really wanted to update on.

That I am in love with Ricky Maw.

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