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Wahoo Rohan and I will be in Boston from November 18th-29th for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Glenn arrives on the 21st and departs with us on the 29th back to good olapos; San Diego.

This is a momentous occasion because we werenapos;t sure if we could afford it this time. Since asking ma and pa for money is something Glenn and I donapos;t do, weapos;re giving ourselves a nice pat on the back for working this one into the budget.

Go, us.

Life is fother mucking good ladies and gents. Fother. Mucking. Good.

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I have written on here in a long time and i think thats why everythings just gone wrong. Everyday is the same one side of me is saying eat its fine and the other wont let me and is telling me iapos;m fat ugly and donapos;t need it.

I canapos;t win and right now iapos;m as fat as ever so it annoys me when my mum comments saying things like "oh is this just another excuse not to eat" which is what she said at dinner because we argued and i cant eat when i feel like im about to cry, even to try to show her im eating. (ihave to have dinner, so i fast in the day)

Anyways less than a month until my mum goes away and iapos;ll be living alone for 3 weeks, and i cannot wait because i can do whatever i want, empty the house so there is no food for when binges come along and that way i can loose as much as possible and pray that i will soon reach my first goal weight, i wont be happy until i get there, i need it.

Iapos;m fed up of being the fat one, the one whos legs wobble, the one whos concious that everyones whispering how fat she is, the one who envys the beautiful thin ones. I�want to be the thin one, the beautiful, strong, fragile, delicate one. I want to be in control, iapos;ll make it, i wonapos;t be the pig i have been.

5apos;6...
GW1 : 110 lbs
GW2: 100 lbs

I know iapos;ll get here someday


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Would you like me to graph you?
Because I can.
Let me make you a graphical representation
Of your life.

Your graph looks like the Bell Curve, dearest.
Does that ring a bell with you, love?
Because your eyes say no with vehemence,
But your curves beg to differ, honey.

Speaking of your curves, theyapos;re so imperfect.
Youapos;re not quite as plastic as you wish, darling,
If you were I couldnapos;t drive those curves
And they couldnapos;t drive me quite so crazy.

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Today, Piper and I are going to get our flu shots at the local Target Pharmacy. As a very frequent traveler, the world is better off if I get a flu shot. As for Piper, I guess it is a good idea in general.

Iapos;ve been keeping up with the political and economic fronts as best I can. Thereapos;s a slim chance that Obama can win Georgia, West Virginia, North Dakota, and Montana. That would be nice, but not nearly as important as the less likely possibility of having 40 or fewer Republican Senators, so as to prevent filibusters. Bush says itapos;s good heapos;s in charge to work out this economic mess.

Last night, I foolishly stayed up to see the opening bit of SNL. What a disappointment to see it was a rerun. I went to sleep before the end of the baseball game. As it turns out, I got to see all of the home runs, and would have been disappointed in the eleventh inning.

Breakfast this morning was again colored by the presence of teenaged hockey players and their families. One issue was that the TV in the dining room had been turned to a channel that was showing "paid programming" for Swiffer, and some kid had stolen the batteries from the remote.

BTW, the weather yesterday was fantastic All the kids in town were invited to a big halloween party from 2 to 7PM, and the kids had a great time. Josiah last night went on his first sleep-over with his friend Brian. It will be interesting to see how that went. Piper stayed up watching TV last night, because she didnapos;t have Josiahapos;s bed-time as a blocker. I think she was watching a Man v. Wild marathon.

Can I write a novel this November? Previous efforts say no, but Iapos;m going to try again. Hopefully I can get a little time this month outlining, and doing initial research.

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I have not updated for a long time because Iapos;ve been so busy with sorority work, school, and love.

Love? I found it in Ricky Maw.
I have to say that when I first said that I loved him, I wasnapos;t too sure. I did only say it because he said it.
As time started to pass though, I think�I really fell in love with him.
Iapos;ve always had commitment issues in the past, but with him, itapos;s so different.
I get so touched by his actions. He is super sweet, and he does so much for me.
He started going vegetarian for me, and he takes care of me so well.

If I lost him somehow, I think Iapos;m going to be super depressed about it.
I really donapos;t know how I would get over it.
When it was with Ray, I cried for about two or 3 days, and then was just a bit sad overall for a while.
I was actually surprised with myself because I wasnapos;t as upset as I thought Iapos;d be.
I knew the relationship was not going well because I literally let him walk out of my life.
I believe that he did love me to some extent, because he wanted to do what was best for me, and he knew we had different paths we wanted to lead. He loved me enough to let me go and wherever I was suppose to go, and if we are really meant to be together, weapos;ll get back together somehow.

I do not see that happening though.
I let him leave me. If I wanted him to stay, if I wanted to get back together, I think weapos;d still be together right now,
but as time has gone by, I realized he doesnapos;t want me back. He found a new girlfriend quite quickly, and I asked him in an email like two summers ago if he ever considered getting back together and he said no.

I have Ricky now, and I know for a fact that I never wanna go back.
I think Iapos;d be more devastated if I lost him. He means so much to me, and I really just wouldnt not know what Iapos;d do without him in my life.
Itapos;s a weird feeling, and I just know that I love him so much.

And thats all I really wanted to update on.

That I am in love with Ricky Maw.

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I love talulah, she is so human sometimes it scares me. Sheapos;s got her head on a pillow next to me and every time I�look over at her, sheapos;s staring at me dreamily like sheapos;s memorizing my face, the way Iapos;m sitting. We heard an outburst of a group of dogs barking and then a smaller bark suddenly whimpered and yowled as if in pain, and talulah was over there jumping in surprise and looking urgently towards the window, ears sprung up to the highest degree. And then I said "shhh" and her ears went back down and she nudged me with her snout.
Sheapos;s asleep now within a pillow home that she must have formed earlier.

My stomach is making weird noises, I�spent the day reading and drinking coffee with my robe and my glasses and some marlboro reds, I had the house to myself because my Dad, Carolyn, and my Aunt Rose went to Christianapos;s football game for UNC. That would be the last thing I�would want to do, pretend to be following a game that I�really donapos;t care about much, standing in the constant rain and darkness? I still feel as though they should have asked me if I would have liked to go, even though I�didnapos;t actually want to.

I am really stoned and was just sitting on my bed for a long time, looking around at my room that has obviously not been looked at in a while. Pink pigs, one with a pink cowgirl hat, a blossoming pink paper flower, glass bottles-one thats blue and others that are clear, one with a glass design on it from an old ladyapos;s estate sale, the same sale where I bought plain covered books. The same pictures stare back at me, James Dean with another body attached, a corny jim morrison prose poster, tech n9ne making fun of michael jacksonapos;s thriller, photos of myself and other people when we were in the highschool years-I need new everything on my walls, so many different phases latched onto a surface, none of them are altogether current me.
I keep looking up at those enchanting eyes.

I just went to the gas station for some royals and there were two guys smoking outside, after I left and while I�was smoking I�kept replaying that moment in my head. There was no interesting moment in me passing them by laughing at how close I parked to the car next to me, talking, about who knows what, "young men they are everywhere but I�go as quickly around as I can when I see them and then regret it after they are long gone." , not anything�thatapos;s worth thinking about....
�but I�always seem to think about those little vibey moments the most. Awkward, shy, quiet, serious, you name it.


I love, love how this is for me.
Just so I can look back and read my thoughts over and look at the pictures Iapos;ve put up...

Carlos Fresquez has a captivating way of being. He is a painting instructor, but does not have hours in the office when I�am working there, so I�never see him. Heapos;s come in twice, the last time I�talked to him for a few spare minutes while I made an appointment for him. Why am I saying this? He had this salty-silvery grey hair that was cut in a really nice way, he wears cool glasses and has this nice way of smiling and being real with you in a confident way.� Yes, I am attracted to older men. Not always, but sometimes. I�seem to be attracted to all the men I�shouldnapos;t be, the way unavailable ones. Why is that?
My mom is like that too, thanks for the fucking awesome genetic trait1

English is so weird. Words are so weird. Sometimes I look at a word and it looks and sounds so fucking retarded, like trait. What kind of sound, word is that?�Our way of explaining feelings and objects is strange to me.

Needing for something more stimulating,
something less like Paulapos;s house,
with my two friends arguing and refusing to be easy to deal with
like he has to be stubborn no matter what-even if its something stupid like
"I canapos;t take a shower or drink water for another 10 hours," or
"No-I�wonapos;t help you roll that blunt and Iapos;m not smoking it either,"
even though thatapos;s totally against what his norms are.
And this girl, sheapos;s so...vulnerable and needy. Of him controlling her
I�hate to say that aloud like that
........buuuut itapos;s cool. "Weapos;re homies, even though whatapos;s really going on is neither of us have anyone else to get high with or stand side by side, thereapos;s no one else to let the levees break loose with..."

Self fucking absorption I tell ya






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